It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
