did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
