Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Randomize
