i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
