i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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