So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
