Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
