READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
