im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
