you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
