My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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