you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
