The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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