My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
