She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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