Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
