I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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