Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
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HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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