You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
