My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
