I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
