Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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