I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
