I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
