Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
