I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
