Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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