Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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