I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
