Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
