I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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