How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
