BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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