ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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