I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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