u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
