I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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