ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
