I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
