New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
