I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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