I think i peed on brittanys purse
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"