oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.