if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
