He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
