If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
