So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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