my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
