dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
