Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
