dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
