I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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