Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you will always have a special place in my vag
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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