i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
