Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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