I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
