I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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