I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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